The Phantom of the Rock Opera
by Alaura Fairfield
Summary: The Phantom gang decides to take on 'Jesus Christ Superstar'. Chaos ensues.
1. Casting the Show

Author's Note: I...have no excuses for this phic. It is unapologetically stupid. To give credit where credit is due, this was inspired by the various Phantom-Characters-Do-Other-Musical phics scattered around That, and repeated playings of my (several) JCS recordings. Read at your own risk.

Authoress: All right, everyone, it's time to cast this puppy.

Carlotta: _(preens) _Now, what opera is we doing thees time? Does eet require anytheeng like theees? _(goes into high-pitched and very irritating vocalizations)_

Authoress: NO! _(casts an evil glare at Erik, who is brandishing the Punjab lasso) _This is _Jesus Christ Superstar! _It's the definitive ROCK opera!

Piangi: _(flipping through his score) _I dun't care whaaat you call it, theees is absolute filth! What good-for-nothing composer wrote this gar-bage?

Authoress: _(grins) _Why, none other than the all-powerful _Phantom _creator himself, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber! _(Piangi shuts up) _Yeah. That's what I thought. Okay, here we go. (_pulls out a list) _Erik, you're gonna be Jesus.

Erik: All right! I always knew that I was a Christ figure. _(waves lasso threateningly at Raoul, who snorts indignantly) _

Authoress: Riiight. _(turns back to list) _Judas will be played by….Miss Christine Daae!

Erik: Wow. That's some excellent casting. Nice work, Alaura. _(high fives Authoress)_

Christine: _(blanches) _Wha…what do you mean, JUDAS?! I can't be Judas! I'm a pretty little soprano GIRL_! (advances on Erik)_ And what do you mean, "excellent casting?"

Erik: _(withering stare) _I should think that it would be quite obvious. "And look how you've repaid me, denied me and **betrayed** me." From where I stand, Judas is the perfect role for you, my dear.

Authoress: Yeahhh, I forgot the "denied me" part. Maybe she should be Peter, too! _(Christine glares venomously) _Uh…never mind. Judas should be quite enough for Christine. (_ignores Christine's whispered protests to Raoul) _Okay. Meg, you're gonna be Mary Magdalene.

Meg: (_annoyed) _WHY does everyone think that I'm a slut!?

Dan Brown: (_pops out of nowhere and skips over to Meg, waving a copy of **The Da Vinci Code**) _Actually, Mary Magdalene wasn't a slut. She was the lost wife of Jesus and the vessel for his bloodline! She was the Holy Grail! _(notices the confused stares from the group) _Yeah…so….later! _(vanishes)_

Authoress: Well….there you have it! Feel any better about that, Meg?

Meg: _**NO! **(glowers at Erik, who winks at her) _

Authoress: That's a shame. Oh well. Deal with it. Raoul, you're Pontius Pilate.

Raoul: Wait….I get to condemn **him** to death? _(grins at Erik with elation) _I can hardly believe this! Thank you, O Mighty Authoress!

Christine: Suck-up. _(Raoul pouts)_

Authoress: All right, kiddies, settle down. Andre and Firmin are going to play Caiaphas and Annas.

Andre: Which one's which?

Authoress: Who cares? You're interchangeable. _(pulls out crazy bulb-like hats a la Norman Jewison's 1973 film) _Here ya go. Have fun.

Carlotta: And I thought my _Hannibal _hat was bad…. _(Andre pulls out her contract and threatens to tear it apart, silencing Carlotta effectively). _

Authoress: Okay. Carlotta, you get to be King Herod. _(Carlotta begins to sputter indignantly) _No, it's really great! You get a neato costume and cool dancers and you get to make fun of Erik!

Carlotta: Can I do theees? _(starts obnoxiously vocalizing again)_

Authoress: Fine, fine, whatever. It's just one scene, anyway.

Carlotta: Whaaat?

Authoress: Nothing. _(back to list) _Madame Giry, you're gonna be Simon Zealotes. Simply because I want to watch you dance around like a fool.

Madame Giry: I….don't even have a response to that.

Authoress: Good. Everyone should follow your example. _(glares at the group) _Piangi's gonna be Peter. (_under her breath) _'cause Peter's so unimportant that his crappy voice won't matter….

Piangi: _(still sheepish about his ALW insult before, so stays quiet)_

Authoress: And the rest of you random theatergoers and mob joiners can be lepers and apostles and stuff. Does anyone have any questions? _(Everyone starts talking at once_) Good, glad to hear it. All right, let's put on a show!


	2. Overture, Heaven on Their Minds

(The Overture of **Jesus Christ Superstar** is playing. Christine runs out of the dressing room and confronts the Authoress, who is standing in the wings.)

Christine: Do I really have to wear this? (_gestures to her orange jumpsuit) _I look like a fool.

Authoress: SHHHHH! You're interrupting my enjoyment of the greatest overture in musical theater history! _(Christine stamps her feet indignantly) _Fine, fine, let's take a look. Aww, c'mon, Christine, it's a great costume! Carl Anderson wears the exact one in the 1973 JCS movie, and he looks so cool!

Christine: AM I CARL ANDERSON?!

Authoress: No, no you're not. Unfortunately. (_sighs) _All right…you don't have to wear the man wig. _(Christine rips off her short black wig) _But the jumpsuit stays. _(Christine starts to sputter) _I wouldn't waste time complaining if I were you. The show starts….(_listens to Overture for music cue) _…now! Good luck, Judas! (_pushes her out onto the stage) _

Heaven On Their Minds 

Christine: (_stands there awkwardly for a moment before beginning to sing in a sweet soprano voice, raising the song up a couple octaves)_

My mind is clearer now

At last, all too well

I can see where we all soon will be

If you strip away

The myth from the man

You will see where we all soon will be…

Authoress: _(backstage, to Erik) _Dude, this is awful. You're her Angel of Music, can't you inspire her to stop singing like a wussy girl?

Erik: _(sighs) _All right, I'll give it a try. _(focuses stare upon Christine, starts singing in a low and compelling voice) _I am your Angel of Music…….

Christine: _(Stops stock still, seemingly hypnotized by Erik's voice. When Erik stops singing, she stares up at the ceiling and sings in a commanding belt) _

JESUS!

Authoress: Whoa. That's fricking amazing. Good job, Erik.

Erik: What can I say? I'm a genius.

Christine: _(now takes command of the stage and is beginning to sound less and less like a coloratura soprano and more and more like a certain amazingly talented black man) _

You've started to believe

The things they say of you

You really do believe

This talk of God is true!

And all the good you've done

Will soon get swept away

You've begun to matter more than the things you say!

Listen Jesus, I don't like what I see

All I ask is that you listen to me

And remember, I've been your right hand man all along

You have set them all on fire

They think they've found the new Messiah

And they'll hurt you when the find they're wrong

I remember when this whole thing began

No talk of God then, we called you a man

And believe me, my admiration for you hasn't died

But every word you say today

Gets twisted round some other way

And they'll hurt you if they think you've lied…

Erik: All right, my cue's coming up. How do I look? _(gestures to costume)_

Authoress: Fabulous. I especially love the macramé mask…adds a real nice touch. _(stares at Punjab lasso) _Uh, Erik…you can't bring that out there.

Erik: _(hugs lasso to his chest) _But it's my baby!

Authoress: But Jesus wouldn't be carrying around a lasso, Erik. It just wouldn't make sense. And we wouldn't want to harm the integrity of the play, now would we? …Erik? _(grabs the back of his tunic before he makes a leap for the chandelier) _Nice try. Now you're almost on, so get ready.

Christine:

Nazareth, your famous son

Should have stayed a great unknown

Like his father carving wood

He'd have made good

Tables, chairs and oaken chests

Would have suited Jesus best

He'd have caused nobody harm

No one alarm

Listen, Jesus

Do you care for your race?

Don't you see we must keep in our place?

We are occupied

Have you forgotten how put down we are?  
I am frightened by the crowds

For we are getting much too loud

And they'll crush us if we go too far

If we go too far….

(starts singing crazy belty ad-libs, much to the amazement of the rest of the cast)

Madame Giry: _(looking rather comical with bleached blonde spiky hair and a camo-print wifebeater) _Well, I'll be damned. _(glares at Authoress) _I'm not even going to ask about this outfit.

Authoress: What? It's my favorite interpretation of Simon Zealotes….you know, the punked-out anti-establishment rebel? (_Madame Giry stares blankly, Authoress shrugs) _Okay, guys, get on that stage! _(Erik, Madame Giry, Piangi, Meg and the random theatergoers stream onto the stage)_

Christine: _(watching Erik unblinkingly, which is, fortunately, in character for Judas)_

Listen Jesus, to the warning I give

Please remember that I want us to live

But it's sad to see your chances weakening with every hour

All your followers are blind  
Too much heaven on their minds

It was beautiful but now it's sour

Yes, it's all gone sour….

(More belty ad-libs; she's getting a standing ovation.)

Erik: That's my girl!

Christine: _(starts to swoon over Erik, but remembers that Judas probably wouldn't be swooning over Jesus and goes instead to her position for the next scene)_

Authoress: Sheesh. I need a drink. _(looks over shoulder to see Raoul, Andre, Firmin and Carlotta staring at her hopefully) _Well…okay. You guys aren't on stage for a while. Let's go to the bar! _(they skip across the street to a sketchy sports bar and play pool)_


End file.
